[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Bobby pin
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on