wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds