my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
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Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Who says great literature is dead?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.