First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.