[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
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I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
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Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I finally found a reason to live again.
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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
finally found a reasonable question
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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes