I finally found a reason to live again.
You Might Also Like
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.