the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
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If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one