pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
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A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”