I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]