Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
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Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.