We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
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You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Not even remotely sorry.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.