If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
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Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?