dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
a god among men
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”