Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
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Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before