*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
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Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.