@ripstiklesbian

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

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@Bunnydurden

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

@capnwatsisname

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@SociaBallistic

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

@TheToddWilliams

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

@StinkyGr33n

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

@notfolu

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people