Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.