@yung__spider i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
@RowdyBowden Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
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@yung__spider 
@huntigula *finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
@darcygrl1971 older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
@Seinfeld2000 
@Elizasoul80 Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
@Inferno_V Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
@BriarSlyMalice HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
@DanMentos Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
@mdob11 I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
@OnlyFastEddie Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.