Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

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My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao


Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”


Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.


“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry


Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am


The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.


[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?


Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.