The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.