[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
You Might Also Like
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.