I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”