Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
British websites use biscuits.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.