me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
That lamp looks PISSED.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it