My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.