Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.