Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD