[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that