Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
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Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.