Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
🙄😏😂🤣
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My favorite female superhero
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.