What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
You Might Also Like
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us