An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
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Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.