If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
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Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!