me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.