Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

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Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.


After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.


Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal


I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.


GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people


All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.


Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”