Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom