Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
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My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂