Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
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Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.