@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

You Might Also Like

@Book_Krazy

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

@_SingleBabyMama

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

@AmberTozer

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

@Rollinintheseat

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

@huntigula

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

@disco_bird

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!