My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
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@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?