I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
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[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children