8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.