What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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Morning.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Breaking news:
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Sorry not sorry.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.