What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺