@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

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@ch000ch

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

@bourgeoisalien

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

@HenpeckedHal

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

@meantomyself

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

@envydatropic

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

@riot4rach

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

@daemonic3

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

@SteveSuckington

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

@gloomfather

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change