ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.