Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit