My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.