Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
![]()
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
![]()
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
![]()
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.