i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
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instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Would you wear it?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?