kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
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This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
When you let grandma cat sit
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital