When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
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I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Simple enough.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
they finally got him. they got macavity
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
when mom throws a party…
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle