When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.