@AngryRaccoon2

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

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5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

@9589smith

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

@Royotathon

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

@Nips_00

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

@IvoryGazelle

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

@trevso_electric

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

@sarcasticmommy4

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.