@AngryRaccoon2

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

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@dril

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

@SteveSuckington

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

@Dawn_M_

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

@Book_Krazy

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

@durtywhitebitch

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

@clichedout

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

@david8hughes

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

@PajamaStew

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.