Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Well, this explains it:
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you