i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.