Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room
Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
You sure about that?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
superman: wait is this wrong
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”