At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
You Might Also Like
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.