At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them