My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
This is a bad sign
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you