If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down