Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.